A little lesson on twisted wrongs, and crooked rights

2008-09-04T09:43:00.003-06:00

It feels like Monday. I haven't been to work since Friday.
I went to check post secrets anticipating new ones. Only to find the same heartbreaking ones i saw when I was at my sisters on Monday morning.
Last night I came closer to absolute terror than I think I've ever been. Well, actually it was this morning. Why are all my lessons learned the hard way? Really.
I just read a blog that reminded me of my favourite song. It fits to well.

Well we stick our fingers in the ground and heave and turn the world around

2008-08-21T09:41:00.004-06:00

All I feel like doing is:
Drinking lightly carbonated limonata sodies.
Listen to Tom Waits.
Sew things I don't really have ready to sew.
Drink different kinds of carbonated beverages with my lovely ladies.
Snuggle Adam.
Eat roasted potatoes & cheese?!

Take me anywhere

2008-07-24T12:14:00.002-06:00

This just in:

3 x 30 +1.

I have nothing more, really.

2008-07-11T12:06:00.004-06:00

Grilled Salmon.
Smoked Goldeye & Lemon
Roasted Potato's & Mushrooms
Big ol' Salad.
Oka Cheese
Jalapeno Focaccia Breed & Balsamic vinegrette
With Limesicles for Dessert
= Best Diner Ever.

My boyfriend makes me dinners & it makes me melt.
Men who cook* = Best

*for me.

I finally have the monitor situation under control. Having a computer & Internet at home will be the weirdest feeling. Also probably not good for my productivity. Which right now, isn't something to brag about. mostly because my sewing machine is out of commission... FUCK YOU SEWING MACHINE. :(
Universe >Me
Awesome!

Edit - Sewing machine = Fixed. Monitor = useless. Computer = BUSTED.

I'm just tired of living in fear

2008-07-07T12:17:00.003-06:00

I can't read any ones blogs. They are all blocked by the "net nanny" F that S.

This weather is a big "le sigh"
I'm starting a clothing company.
I really want to eat pizza.
Naps are required very soon.
I want Jelly Belly's that aren't sour.

Sometimes I forget about Holly Mcnarland. And after I remember, I don't understand how I forgot. And then I listen to "Stuff" and every song makes me happy in that kinda way that only a sad song can. How does that make sense? Oh yeah, it doesn't.

Flesh & the Devil is on my pvr right now. Every time I see it on the list of movies I get really excited. I should be watching it right now.

I don't want it anymore

2008-06-30T09:39:00.002-06:00

Of all the years, and all the situations, why only now is someone able to make a difference in a way that no one else has been able to?
My tummy felt hallow and heart felt heavy all weekend.

Give me some time, and I hope I can make my bad habits history.

On a lighter note: Today is payday and I'm far to excited to go to shoppers to buy hairspray and lip gloss. I know you're jealous.

should'a said.

2008-06-17T11:37:00.004-06:00

Bleeding love is playing on the weather channel right now. I wish Ryse was around so I could tell her, and we could giggle together.

There are to many things I've needed to say out loud. I've practiced biting my tongue for far to long, I think. It's become a habit. At the worst of times.

- Why are holidays always terrible for the people who lack what everyone is celebrating? Fathers day was easy, actually. It was last night that was hard. These hard feelings I have towards him, are the things I need to get over. I hate how the things that have happened are responsible for the way I feel about so many things that have nothing to do with anything. It's not fair to myself, or to him, or to other people, to blame him, always him, for my fears and doubts and short comings in life. I don't know how... but... oh never mind.

- I know I've made the wrong decision a lot of times. I know this because I know how many times I decide, change my mind, decide, and change my mind all over again. I gave up. And I'm deeply sorry. My fear is preventing me from dialing a few numbers. But if I could tell you (and have you believe) that I'll always answer the phone if ever you feel like giving it another chance.

- One of the featured articles on Wikipedia was about Vlad III Dracula today. The biggest smile crept across my face. Today you remedied me that some times, flashing signs need to be put up. I'll start working on them.

Secret Heart

2008-06-12T13:50:00.004-06:00

It's terribly refreshing to see the sun and the blue sky today. It's also refreshing to know that my bank account won't show $6.17 by 12am. Shopping & sushay wit muh gurl followed by a cover of "ace of spades" will be a wonderful way to kick off a weekend

They sit on the tips of our tongues.
Sometimes they shoot through our eyes & rush from our hands.
We hear them in our simple words.
They can be seen in the way we speak of other things & heard in the languages we've yet to learn.
I know these things to be true.
Tell me I'm wrong & let me prove to you I'm right.

2008-06-03T11:57:00.003-06:00

I've had one cup of coffee.
Read 2 "staff announcement" e-mails
Sneezed 3 times
Watched 4 planes fly by
Processed 5 claims
But I can't count the times it's crossed my mind.
And all before 10 am.

I still don't know how to say these things. I still don't know when to say them either. I keep screwing up the best chances. I just keep writing these endless paragraphs the next day to try to get it to all make sense and sound the way I want. I keep failing miserably. Is that the key? When I can write it the right way - then will be the time to say them? If that's so I may be here awhile. I may also develop carpal tunnel. Maybe I need to give up on the perfection I want and just let the jumble of words loose. Maybe I need to risk it not being received well, or not making any sense, or loosing all control of my senses.
Wait... already done that.

-Louise, I don't know what you are. I've turned myself inside out to try and avoid what happened today. You affect me in ways I can't quantify or contain. All I can measure is the affect, and the affect is that I'm out of control. - pg 53 - Written on the Body

On another note:
Do you even know what you're expecting?

A week in review

2008-05-27T11:41:00.002-06:00

In no particular order:

-Getting busted for texting at work. I can't even have my phone on my desk.
-Moving desks!
-BFF Birthday!
-Saying things I shouldn't say. When I shouldn't say them.
-Being told I dance like an aerobics instructor.
-Having the drunk-o boyfriend try to make out with me in public.
-Calling in sick on Friday AM.
-Watching the other BFF fall on the floor while trying to do the Sexy dance on her boyfriend.
-Learning the lesson to never watch lightning while sewing.
-Spending my Saturday afternoon & evening cleaning and sewing and generally being domestic.
-Cooking bacon for the first time.
-Out of no where hyper fits.
-Hand & Belly Farting.
-General Heavy Heartedness - in the good way.
-Black Jersey Skirts.
-Not having my claims checked anymore.

Ok. That's enough. I think I killed enough time for one lunch hour. It's beautiful out. I'm going for a walk.

It's Ironic that the song stuck in my head... is stuck in my head...

2008-05-26T12:25:00.003-06:00

3 is already a crowd.

I've tossed in the white flag.

Keep my name out of your mouth

2008-05-15T09:41:00.004-06:00

Yesterday at 12:09 I got a "I need to talk to you" text and instantly my stomach dropped, my heart sped up, and i went cold all over.

This may not be the worst it could be, but it's going to be the hardest I've known.

Funny thing is; I'm not running away, I'm not hiding, I'm not letting it destroy everything I've become. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can face this. I want it. I will do it.

Make it worth it. Please.

2008-05-12T12:03:00.005-06:00

Today I am a Debbie Downer.
There is nothing to be done about this. All things considered, it's safe to say I'm allowed to be.
The only thing to cure it = Snuggles in bed.

Sometimes people do things that blow my mind in the worst of ways.
Sometimes people do things that blow my mind in the best of ways.

I guess that's an ok balance?

Rain is falling...

2008-04-30T09:33:00.003-06:00

When you said It was overwhelming I knew exactly what you meant. More often than not, being overwhelmed is a troubling feeling for me. Although this is terribly troubling for me, it's quiet literally the best kind of overwhelmed I've felt. My mornings are spent with memories. My afternoons are spent with day dreams. My evenings are spent with plans. My nights are spent with you. If I'm lucky.
The snow has already melted when I discovered your eloquence with words. I experienced moments of jealousy, solely based on the fact that I wish I could tell you what is happening in my mind, let alone in my heart. Words use to slide right off my tongue like water. Now they just sit. Resting. Waiting. Anticipating the moment when the dam breaks and I can no longer practice the restraint I've held for so long. I want to flood your entire being with every single word I know. I want you to be washed away with the feelings. I want to fill you with these emotions that only I know.
I never want to find ourselves in the midst of a draught.
I never want our April showers to end.

2008-04-24T13:51:00.003-06:00

I'm kinda coasting in this blissful Ignorance bit. Coasting may not be the right word but I've got the nail on the head with the blissful bit. So much time has been spent worrying & hoping & worrying & regrettably wasting on useless mixed emotions & generally unhealthy, incorrect interpretations.
I've also spent more then a fortnight trying to fight it. Attempting to convince myself it was not what I had hoped. Battled my sensibility, & ended up loosing all sense of control and reason.
For 2 years I've been proven right about all the things I've thought about intentions & sincerity, & I think -i hope- I'm ready to start trying to forget. I want to be able to believe again & I want to loose myself in all the things I've been without for way to long.
Way to long?
No, Probably not. As terrible as it may have been, the secret mush inside me knows that the time was needed to fully appreciate & deserve the things.

I made a post a few months ago about being fully consumed instantly & it may have come true.

I don't care if this blows up in my face. At least not completely... I'm still afraid at this very moment.

Rosey cheeks, but not from the cold.

2008-04-14T12:16:00.004-06:00

I will not get my hopes up. I will not expect more than is blatantly stated. I will not let my self fall as hard as I want to, until he tells me I can.

Who the fuck am I kidding. I've already done all those. Shit.

April Fools?

2008-04-01T13:55:00.003-06:00

I did NOT expect this. I can't even decided if i'd've preferred to not get it. In that case I wouldn't have to search for the right things to say. I'm almost able to say anything, because nothing is going to change it. I've had near 5 months to gather up all the words and courage, and now that I can use them... I almost don't want to. It's always been like that. Just with this though. Why do I become a puddle of goo? Stupid. Silly. Useless Goo.

Don't let me do it again. Please god.

Dwell on the past and it will bury you

2008-03-31T12:16:00.003-06:00

This weekend consisted of:
H&R Block breaking news Rampages. EXTRA! EXTRA!
Oh God! Nappypops!
Deciding to go out for 10:45 @ 10:30.
Booking a tattoo Consult.
Delicious. For a Birthday.
Reese Cups. In more than one way.
and best of all TACOS!

I'm sick of seeing him everywhere. Since when. God.

I'm sick of nightmares. Every night since.

I'm sick of dishes. That I haven't washed in forever.

I'm in love with not caring about that anymore. It's refreshing.

For you:
We've been climbing uphill together,
For three years and counting.
Life kicks us when we're down but we,
We just keep trying.
What else can we do?
Dwell on the past and it will bury you.
But it's getting harder to look ahead,
With all these conflicting thoughts in my head.
The days are too dark,
And they last too fucking long.
That's why we made a promise.
That's why we carved it in stone.
And where it was written,
Is where it will fucking stay.
It's the sword that we will live by,
Even if it means we have to die this way.
Destination: death or better days.

When we've had enough, we've had enough.
There's something inside of us that can't be touched.

We are, we are. We are Unbreakable.

This is where it ends.
I'm putting my foot down.
I'm sick of second guessing and
I'm Fucking sick of falling down.
Rock bottom is a beautiful start.
We're rising up to show the world our scars,
From a former life that we'd rather not hide.
This is our time.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

2008-03-19T09:44:00.004-06:00

My heart is throbbing.

Not because something I did, this time. But something I can't do to change things for you guys. This constant ache that I feel from wanting to change, and fix everything for everyone is turning into this ache of regret, and defeat because I know I can't do a thing to make anything ok.

If I knew I could do it, I'd be ok with being drug into the middle of this mess. I will not compromise myself, my integrity, or my friendship for you.

On another note:
I finally found an owl small enough to fit in my littlest box shelf. Stoked.

Why bother wondering, when wondering is all you've got.

2008-03-06T12:02:00.003-07:00

I often dream of a different life. Different surroundings. Different lifestyles. Different feelings. Different views.

I often wonder if just one change would mean changing everything. I wonder if I were to change something, and have this different life, would I be happier? Would life be easier? Would it be better?

I often decide that the answer is no. But when I'm feeling crummy I convince myself the answer is yes.

I often wonder why I bother wondering about anything.

Really though, I just need a good night sleep. One in which I'm able to sleep through the night. 30 minute intervals isn't cutting it.

2008-03-03T10:47:00.004-07:00

I've found my self stuck in the middle of a big giant "WTF". I'm often in these kind of situations. Which is only because of the type of person I am. I'm fine with it... But what I'm not fine with is people's expectations of me.

Everyone (really everyone) is coming to me for answers. Answers I don't have. I don't know why they're doing that. I don't know why she's doing this. I don't know why he's been like that. I don't know. I'm not really sure why everyone is expecting me to know. I'm also not really sure why everyone is expecting these mega changes, with out actually putting in the effort. Believe it or not, every change requires effort from all. Everything is fucking give and take. and I don't know why people expect to continue in the same path, and have things so different than before. When we've all been wrong, and at one point we have all been, we all need to do something differently. I wish more people would realize this in life. Oh, and changes do not just count as admitting there's a problem. You actually have to go on and make a difference.

Not everyone deals with these things well. I'm one of those people. I'm taking every little step I can, and I know I can be doing better, but it's still hard. I'm confused, and I know that my best isn't enough, But I'd hope it's better than the nothing I could be giving.

On a brighter note: I've been taking Day & Nyquil. I really love it a lot.

But everything is still the same

2008-02-29T12:15:00.006-07:00

If I could make up my mind, for longer than a day... I might get somewhere. If I could stop adding and subtracting and just ease up... I might find something amazing. If I could stop looking back with regret & stop looking forward with fear... I might find sometime today to be perfect.

If the people I consider best could just let me feel as if I can go one week without saying "I saw this coming" I may feel more comfortable with their comfort.

I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can’t see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever

I don’t want to be a bad woman
And I can’t stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever

And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can’t see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don’t love you no more
Cause I want to be a good woman
And I want for you to be a good man

No one's gonna save you, no one's gonna save you, so just quit crying!

2008-02-21T09:45:00.001-07:00

We're so sick of it.
We're so over it.

Twisted wrongs & Crooked rights.

2008-02-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's almost like even though I'm doing what you've asked it's wrong in your eyes. I don't know what exactly it is that's expected... I just hope you're able to remember I'm doing what you want - Not what I want.

Big FU to Mac Cosmetics for no longer making the best blush of life.

Big LU to my new sheets, which no one but myself (unfortunately...?!) and except maybe APZ, will have the luxury of experiencing.

I got a gym membership yesterday. My chest is "tender to the touch". LAWL

Someone take these dreams away, that point me to another day

2008-02-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

I really can't remember when it's been like this. It's funny... I can remember so many things, but I can never remember if this happens every time. I can't even explain why it's doing this to me. Maybe it's like this, becuase it was something I really hoped for for a long time, and it was so so so close to being real. Maybe it feels worse because the closeness. Maybe it's like this becuase there isn't something to take my mind off it right away, like I usually have.

How could this happen.
How could I do this to myself.
How could I let myself do it again.
How do I stop it in a good way, and not the kind of way I tend to.
How do I end up beating myself up about things, and always blamming myself instead of the ones who've done the things to make this happen.

I think I just need to have a big cry. A big huge hard cry.
I usually do feel so much better after those. It's really been a long time since the last.

Grumgles x2

2008-02-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Post from September 4, 2007 = Right now.

F this S.

Shout out to Ryse for being nothing but her, and doing something that can make me SO embarrassed & laugh SO hard at the same time.

Killin it.

2008-01-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

I didn't know what hate felt like, not hate that comes after love. It's huge and desperate and it longs to be proved wrong. And everyday it's proved right it grows a little more monstrous. If the love was passion, the hate would be obsession. A need to see the once-loved weak and cowed and beneath pity. Disgust is close and dignity is faw away. The hate is not only for the once-loved, it's for yourself too; how could you ever have loved this? - The Passion pg. 92

This consumed my night last night.

Along with the sickness. By friday I will be walking death. I'm sure.

Tonight, I will Eat sushi. Either in a resturant, or in my living room depending on weather, and will watch Lost. How good could this night get? Really?!

SIDE NOTE:
My short term memory... or lack there of... is really taking an affect on my life. It's scary.

Semantics Won't Do

2008-01-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

When your best friend says to you:

"It's time to get off the pony of loneliness, and get on the Stallion of change!"

it does a number of things.

Mostly making me really confused, and get this... Analytical. I know.

I've been thinking of how he may have meant I need to change, the things I'm doing to keep myself on this pony, and how exactly it could be possible to change and reap rewards of changing.

Sometimes, very rarely, I wish people would just spell it out for me.

What's your scent, Say it again.

2008-01-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

I've been counting down the minutes since. I've waffled back and forth between the two extremes. I've felt like I'm grabbing for straws. I've felt like it's a given that I'll get it. I've come to terms. I've also been terribly upset.

I won't know until Thursday, really. That's when I'll make up my mind for good.

Listen now
I am afraid of everything
When you told me I was special
It was the happiest moment for a long long time

Listen now
I keep forgetting your name
When you laid down on the kitchen floor
It was the happiest moment for a long long time

We seek new seed now
Some revolutionary
And you will never get a hold
We seek and we will find
Reason to stay alive
The price has never been this low

Listen now
I was afraid of everything
Then I straightened my head up
It was the happiest moment for a long long time

2008-01-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday didn't pass fast enough
Today is staying to long.
Tomorrow night won't come soon enough.

Are things taking un-expected turns for the good, for my Apz and I? Well, we can only hope so. Even if they don't- our turning of new leaves is pretty exciting.

One night to be confused

2008-01-08T12:03:00.001-07:00

I've realized that because I spend more than 60% of my free time watching old movies that are usually romantic dramas and reading novels that are about intense love and passion, I've some how begun to think that the world really works that way. You know, that it's normal to fall in love with someone instantly, it's normal to fall in love after just one kiss, it's normal to become so consumed with one person so quickly that it truly is the only thing you can think about. Most of all, that no matter what, the person you've come to love so suddenly, will suddenly love you back just the same.

I want to convince myself of this. I want the world to convince its self of this. I want life to be like this.
Don't worry, deep down I know it's not. Can't blame a girl for dreaming.

It's amazing how well this fits:

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start: a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colours red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
And you
You knew the hand of a devil
And you Kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

Look back and feel it in your bones

2007-12-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

It being only 4 days away from the new year, I see it fit to write a"Year in Review" post. I've done one since the days of my open diary way back when... so I have to continue. Last year's was a simple "2007, You can't get worse then '06, so just be awesome. " 2006 was a hard year to beat in the bad department.
I'm totally on the fence about 2007. The drama-rama didn't stop, But the good things certainly held their ground. I find it hard to completely look back with totally negative feelings. I've decided to Go with a top 5 format. Not a top 5 best or worst, but a top five most.Seeing as in my old age, the beginning of the year is a bit foggy...most of the things on the list are from the last few months. They themselves are huge, so that could be the reason only one item is from the first half of the year. I'm not sure if this is in the right order... It's difficult for me to be able to gauge it.

5) My Parents Separating

It Happened at the end of October. My Mom broke the news over lunch with my sister & I. At first I was filled with so many things & I actually was a wreck for a bit, it was a long time coming, but it seemed so different when it actually became a reality. It was hard, and confusing.It still is. I'm still left not knowing what to think, or how to feel.My Dad moves out January, 1st. What are things going to be like now?Christmas was awkward enough with the big pink Elephant in the corner that only became more awkward when either one of them made a crack about it. It was major collar pulls all over the place. I realize, this is the first time I've actually 'talked' about this in here. Hmm.

4) New Job

I kinda hate it. That's hard to say. It's hard because it's not the kind of hate I had towards my old job. I hated my old job because I worked with Goons, and I hated babysitting grown women. I was always keeping everything together, and the place seriously fell apart when I was away for even one day. I was in control of everything and I actually loved that part. the job made me a control freak. Unfortunately in all aspects of my life. What I did like was knowing all the ropes, being the "Go to Girl", and fixing every trouble that came about. With my new job, I hate it because it's the complete opposite. I have No Control. I'm the bottom of the totem pole, and have an unfair disadvantage of being the only claims adjuster that isn't an AHT (Animal Health Technologist). Loosing the control at work made me able to -try to- give up control in the other aspects of life, I can't control. Thank God. It's hard though, the job, because it's really challenging for me. I actually struggle and I HATE that I'm not already amazing at it. I'm being told that I'm doing great, but I don't completely agree. I'm terribly hard on myself & can't help but expect perfection. One step at a time. One day at a time. When you think about it, it's actually a great thing for me to go through.

3) Realizing my own hypocrisy

I'm a hypocrite. A huge one. In the spring I did the one thing to someone I care for, that I loose my mind about when it happens to me & other people. This one is a little difficult to write about because there is only really one person who knows most thoughts etc.etc. about it. Amanda's ear has been talked off her head. That sucks because I've never even had the guts to actually talk to the person who needed to hear it all. From day one I had that awful feeling that once it started, things wouldn't be the same. I can't tell you how different things would be, had I dealt with it properly, but I do know I was filled with contempt from the moment I realized I was lacking the courage to do what I needed and he deserved.

2) Moving out alone

I've made 2 big mistakes when it's come to moving out. #1 Tassia. #2Lyndsey. I should have learned the first time, that I'm the kind of person that needs a neat freak for a roommate, or a non existent one. I decided that with my luck "third times a charm" was not a chance I should take. I moved out alone, and realized how much I love being alone in my home, and all the other millions of reasons there are that I needed this. I guess I'm at that stage where I need to live solo. It's amazing the kinda of things you learn about yourself when you're alone.Seems silly, sure, but it's hard to explain. Who would have thought I',the kinda girl that hates putting on pants between the hours of 6pm &2pm?

1) Seeing The Suicide File

It's Just a band. It was just a hardcore show. It was just the one thing I'd been waiting for, for a number of years. Trying to explain how much this band means to me has never been done but somehow it became clear when people found out how much I spent, and how much trouble I had gone through to get there. People who really know me, really know it was something big when they realized I was going by myself. Of course, that wasn't the initial plan, but when the person whom you're to go with mysteriously peaces out on you, you've already bought your tickets,everyone who wanted/could go already had everything set, and everyone who wasn't planning to at first couldn't come because their work, You haven't got much choice. Just the show was enough to make it all worth it. God, them playing "Things Fall Apart" & "The Somme" would have been enough. I can die a satisfied girl. It's all I needed.

So that's that. Super long, I know. I doubt anyone will even read the whole thing, but who cares. It could be better this way.

You told me everything, by saying nothing

2007-12-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

Fuck being vague.

What I don't get, is why people don't just tell you whats up. This happens a lot to me. I don't know why. Today I found out why he stopped talking to me. Of course I had my suspicions and created a million and one assumptions... and yes, him getting back with his ex was one of them. What I don't understand is how he thought that completely cutting off communication would be better than just telling me. It did not hurt me less. It hurt me more. I much rather have not gone through the drama, and just have been told straight up from the start. I just wish I would have been able put my mind at ease, with a real conclusion. My god.

I can understand why he got back with her, I guess. I don't understand how it warranted this, though. :sigh:

Done and Over with I guess.

In case you're wondering, I've decided just to turn in to a raging lesbian. Major lols. Red lipstick 5- 7 out of 28 days . (that one was for Amber and Nate)

Endure the pain in your burning young mind

2007-12-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

If I believed in god, for sure, I'd figure that all these things were signs from him to let me know that I'm just not supposed to go.
I don't for sure believe in god, so I'm fucking going.
7 Huge Drama-rama's in regards to this trip.
7 Huge reasons why I've wanted to punch people and things.
and 1 Huge reason why I haven't given up.

Uggggghhh.

I've also finally decided what my next tattoo will be. Stoked.

Some lovely to leave with:

We've been abandoned.
Yeah, we've been left behind.
Red hot daggers in our conscious through the long cold night.
Are we growing ugly?
Are we wasting time?
Tell me your truth, kid.
I'll tell you mine.
I've crawled through obscurity to find the heavy burden of a wasted life.
Go north.
Endure the pain in your burning young mind.
Through thebroken backs in the sands of time you've been recalled to life.
We arethe bright lights in these dark times.
Thoughts like razors in ourconscious through the long cold night.
Lonely and wide eyed.
We won'tbe sleeping tonight.
Get broken. Regenerate. Resurrect.
Is your city still sick?
Are you still desperate?
Get broken. Regenerate.Resurrect.
Prepare your heart for what lies ahead.

My heart will always be the worst kind of weapon

2007-12-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

Spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out- the jokes on you
We are salt- and you are the wound

Empty another bottle
And let me tear you to pieces
This is me wishing you into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go
But you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat

Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
Rather ones that just don't care
Cause I know that you're in between arms somewhere
Next to heartbeats where you shouldn't dare sleep
Now I'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me

Take your taste back
Peel back your skin
And try to forget how it feels inside
You should try saying no once in a while
Oh once in a while

And did you hear the news?
I could dissect you and gut you on the stage
Not as eloquent as I may have imagined
But it will get the job done(and you're done)
Every line is plotted and designed
To leave you standing
On your bedroom window's ledge
And everyone else that it hits
That it gets to is nothing more than collateral damage

Sometimes, I hate more than anything when you find a song that describes things... perfectly. I also love it at the same time.

2007-12-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Nothing really exciting.. Nah.
I need to change my flights, and actually book the hotel... But I'm putting it off. Putting it off in the way that you put something off because you really really don't want to do it, or admit it, and for some god damn stupid reason there is the slightest bit of hope that I won't have too. Yeah right, I guess.

I decorated my apartment. Really all I did was hang lights and a few ball on my mantel. I still think it's pretty. It still makes my heart flutter. I won't have a tree. I won't have presents under it. Oh well. I get to see my favourite thing in the world ten days before Christmas. Not to mention I get to do something totally unlike me, and I'm stoked to get over one of my biggest fears. I've been called brave, but I'm sure there is some assholes who thinks it's more pathetic. Oh well!

I'm in love with things no one could ever guess. It makes me happy to just have this between me and 'it'. It's all mine and I don't have to share. I giggle from time to time thinking about it.

Repetitions Baby, Repetitions

2007-11-27T12:23:00.000-07:00

I don't have all that much to say. Of importance anyway.

I'm sick of the people who think that life is all about them, and who think that everything in life is all about them.
I'm sick of the people who take shit way to fucking seriously when they just need to fucking breath.
I'm sick of the people who think that everyone is out to get them.
I'm sick of a lot of people, and even myself, so it makes it all the much easier to be ok with being sick of people.

There are only so many times you can call wolf.
There are only so many times you can bad mouth the people who care about you.
There are only so many times you can run your mouth to others.
There are only so many times you can be selfish, and self absorbed.

I'm sick of people. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of me. I'm also sick of Passport Canada, and Americans. Facts.

Just sayin.

I'm not alright

2007-11-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

Tell me what I need to know, and I'll ask of you nothing more. I've asked you for nothing up to this point, and I see no reason why I don't deserve this explanation. Frankly I don't even understand how I deserved this in the first place. I've left my heart out for you to take, and all you've done is set it ablaze, and let it turn to ash.

I basically just want to scream at the top of my lungs all the wrongs I've been done, and have them all disappear.

Someone explain to me how I'm supposed to not become a cynical, closed off person. Every time I let myself be the vulnerable one, I end up the pathetic one. The one who's loosing sleep, the one who's constantly up in the clouds, the dark ones.

Brightest city burried in the dust.

2007-11-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

I've got a little ball of anger burning in my chest.
It's really stupid. When someone will stop talking to you because something you may-or may not- have done. People and their fucking retarded assumptions. You're not better than me. Your Friends aren't better than me. You're just as fucking bad, if not worse.

Along with this burning anger, I have a stifling burden of sorrow. That kind of sorrow that only happens when you make yourself think something is one way... then you realize it's the other way. After which, you start to notice every change. You blow every gesture out of proportion. Every action, or lack there of, becomes the hugest of deals. And after Yesterday afternoon... God.

Say Anything

2007-11-09T11:20:00.001-07:00

I've been unable to put what is in my brain and heart into words. I've been filled with static and mish mash, and I'm confused by the fact that I can't put the words together. That's always been how I've gotten it together. My notebook has even felt the neglect. Strange strange things.

It's an un-easy feeling.

I'm un-easy.

And I'm sorry to anyone I've taken this out on... Whoops.

2007-11-02T11:47:00.000-06:00

Ryse, will never ever ever be out done when it comes to having the best msn conversations. EVER.

Oh, How I love the ache. Sigh

ZOMBETTIE - 6373 says:
i'm so happy, I got the ache
ZOMBETTIE - 6373 says:
I waited all day for you to come on to tell you that
Karlie says:
THE ACHE?
Karlie says:
towards who???????????
Karlie says:
I just changed my status to that
ZOMBETTIE - 6373 says:
i dunno....all that matters is that I got it back
Karlie says:
I am so excited for you!@!@
ZOMBETTIE - 6373 says:
FUCK... I just started laughing in my phone.

But you'll have to answer too

2007-10-30T11:37:00.000-06:00

It's really confusing to have such conflicting feelings.
I'm actually so genuinely happy with life right now, but there are so many things that actually upset me.
I feel guilty that so many people are going through such shit, and I'm happy.
I'm confused that I'm still happy, with some of the things that are going on in my life.

My brain is on overload, and I'm ready to cut my heart out and express post it to the same place that I've been express posting all those letters. Lets just W T F this situation!

Started my new job on Monday. So much reading.
Got a new dinning room table. It's older than I am x2+some.
I Officially got my tickets for SF on Thursday. Hooked up with a lovely place too stay too!

Flesh with out bones.

2007-10-24T11:45:00.000-06:00

I'm actually really angry right now. So angry. At 2 people. 2 people who I never thought would make me so fucking angry in a situation like this.

But I guess I can't expect everyone to care about certain people, because benefiting themselves is all that is important to them.

I'm just really pissed that this happened in whispers, and no one decided to tell me.

Fucking cowards.

Keep telling me facts, and keep making me smile (?)

2007-10-22T12:06:00.000-06:00

Fun Fact:
My friends tease me about the things I repeatedly do. I laugh a lot about it around them, But sometimes I really hate that I can't stop doing these things. I set my self up for disaster. It's good for a laugh sometimes.

Sad Fact:
"Ohio is for lovers." Winnipeg is not.

Confusing Fact:
I don't want to start my new job... I actually thought about how hard it's going to be to adjust. I'm scared. I don't want to hear anyone say "Don't worry! etc etc" It will just make me angry with you.

Not Fact:
I have enough fabric to finish the dresses I love so very much... Fuck.

Real Fact:
I want to be in bed. With or without the 'love of my life'.

Peace!

Let me go

2007-10-18T11:55:00.000-06:00

So, I found out yesterday that The Suicide File is playing Chicago In December. I've already booked the time off, and I've already applied for my passport. You have NO idea how much this means to me.

This song is killing me lately. Just Sayin'.

In a Manner of speaking
I just want to say
That I could never forget the way
You told me everything
By saying nothing
In a manner of speaking
I don't understand
How love in silence becomes reprimand
But the way that I feel about you
Is beyond words

Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me nothing
Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me everything

In a manner of speaking
Semantics won't do
In this life that we live we only make do
And the way that we feel
Might have to be sacrificed
So in a manner of speaking
I just want to say
That just like you I should find a way
To tell you everything
By saying nothing.

These are the days that leave you empty

2007-10-15T13:46:00.000-06:00

It's the things I don't talk about that upset me the most. Countless times I've been with the words-waiting just behind me teeth. Just waiting to burst out & flood the ears of those around. Not once have I let them go. Not once have I spilt out every word, thought, and feeling. Most would say that's kind of unlike me, since I'm a big blabber mouth with my woes. The only real reason I'm not saying it is because I feel stupid. I feel like a big idiot. I think this is 100% my fault. Sure... the building blocks were laid out in front of me so easy to grab, but I could have left them where they were. I didn't have to pick them up & make this mess, the mess it is. I didn't have to get so consumed, but I did. I should have trusted me gut. I should have forgotten the insensible side of my heart, and remembered the side that's been beaten and broken, and left to rot. Had I, I'd be free of this. It's all my fault. I can't change it. I can't make it better.

I guess sometimes stewing in your sorrow is the best way to learn. I've always tried to take responsibility for the things that happen, but sometimes I can't help but think I need to stop doing so, because I've been beating myself up about this for a long time. I'm too stubborn to take the easy way out, and blame everyone else though.

I lost my appetite @ 12:47, and it's doing well at remaining M.I.A.

Uggggghhhhhh God!

She's lost control again.

2007-10-12T11:59:00.000-06:00

I tried my hand at being realistic, but I kept hearing everything a girl needs to hear to loose all sense of herself and reality.

Who's to blame? Who cares? Not me.

I lost my mind. But I'll get it back. I always do!

Moments Like This

2007-10-10T11:33:00.000-06:00

I'm full of good news. I'm full of good feelings. I'm full of smiles. I'm still full of sass and the usual things I'm full of (piss & vinegar). I'm just genuinely happy right now.

1- New Apartment : I still have 2 boxes to unpack. Small boxes. Ones that probably will not become un-packed. I love my apartment. It's Beautiful, and mine. I've gotten the "You'll get sick of living alone FAST" from a lot of people. But it's always been said in front of people who really really know me, who have retorted with "Yeah Right! She'll LOVE it!" Because It's true. I may not live alone forever, but I know at this point in my life, this is what I need. I put up all my pictures and shelves (with help from some totally sweet people) I painted my living room, and I've figured out where to put everything. I'm still waiting on a dinning room table, and I haven't picked out the right couch yet. Soon enough. Thank you to everyone who helped me move. You're all wonderful. Even the ones who offered to help, but were unable to in the end. It all means the world.

2- New Job: I don't start until October 29th, but I'm still really excited. It's great. I get to stay at my office, which has become so comfortable. I get to stay in the same 'Department', which I know everyone in. AND I get a pretty legit salary increase. Paying off debt, buying a sweet couch, buying nice Christmas presents, and having a sweet shoe collection are not far off! This is only a simple change on paper, and practice, but it makes a huge difference in my life.

3- New TV: not a big deal, but it made me so happy! Not the actual tv is new, but the kind of cable I get! Nate got me a neat deal at shaw, and I have that PVR thing. This excites me so much, because I can record every single movie on TCM, that I would normally miss due to work, sleep, and social life. I'm so happy about this. Right now, while I'm in the lunch room at "the office" (that was for you, Nate!), I'm Recording "The secret lives of Elizabeth and Essex" One of my fav. movies.

4- Sleep: Cory brought me some NyQuil last night. That ruled. It helped me sleep, and I am so happy about it. Since the evening before I did not sleep a wink. Yay!

5- Infatuation: It may end terribly, and go no where from this point on, But at this very moment, it's making the days pass quicker, and it's making me smile at random times of the day.

I guess this post is a top 5 of the things I like in life right now. Hahaha.

Stoked!

Does it ever get easier to live like this

2007-10-07T14:43:00.000-06:00

How long can it remain as just words? Is there a time restriction on these kind of things? Is it a guaranteed thing that after a certain point, it becomes ok for the original words to mean more than just the words themselves? When is it ok for the words to gain weight and create expectations?
Am I wrong to want to question things like sincerity, intent, and feeling? Am I out of line to be thinking of this as more than I had before? If I am, and none of this has any value am I allowed to ask for the reasons? How do you ask questions you never imagined yourself ever having to ask?
How do you deal with the questions you're to scared to ask anyone but yourself?

I asked some last night. I also said somethings I thought I would keep to myself. Well received, but I'm still full of doubts. Go figure.

Currently at my moms for thanksgiving 'dinner'. My piece of pie is upstairs waiting for me. But I can't seem to motivate to go get it.

I drew a heart around the name of your city

2007-10-01T12:01:00.001-06:00

Oh fuck this shit!
Srsly?
Yes, Srsly.

wtf is my problem?

Friday: Fell asleep at 10:30. Needed that.
Saturday: Went to two weddings. Passed out in the midst of texting.
Sunday: Searched desperately for the right things, and ended up not getting my keys from my landlord.

I'm moving today. If I have to blow open the locks and throw that bitches shit out the window.
I'm ready to just never see the light of day again, and turn off my cell phone forever.

My Top 5 favourite things in the world to do!

2007-09-26T22:20:00.000-06:00

Since things have been downers, I've decided to blog about things that make me happy. Enjoy.

1) Snuggle. Snuggling may or may not include some etc. etc.'s. Depends on the situation Obviously. I like being held and all that mushy shit. That being said, I do not understand any girl(or boy for that matter) who does not enjoy biting. Just sayin'.

2) Sleeping. / laying in bed. Sleeping is one of the bestest things in the world. I don't think I really need to even explain that. But I know that on bad days, the thought of me being able to lay in bed soon makes me melt a little inside.

3) Laughing. Maybe it's because I have 5 million different laughs, maybe it's because I have super funny friends. It feels great. No matter how terrible things may be, and how bummed I may get, there is always something that can make me laugh. I'm also known to laugh at things people don't expect me to laugh at. I don't get that?!

4) Eating. I could talk about how eating makes me feel amazing non-stop. Sometimes I want to eat something so bad I get like longing pains. Sometimes when I eat something so good, I actually get week in the knees. I Have foodgasims a lot. I once collapsed on my moms kitchen floor when she was making taco's or something, because I was craving ground beef so bad.

5) Enjoying music. Whether it be b dancing, crying(yes, crying), or letting out bits of rage. Truly listening to music is something that I would not give up for the world. I really don't think I would enjoy anything half as much, if there wasn't great music to go with it.

Honourable mentions:

Spending time with friends. Clearly amazing. Most of the things on the list are done with friends, So I didn't really think it was necessary to give this it's on spot.

Good talks. Good talks are great with good friends. I love them. It didn't make the list because some of the time good talks are about bad things, and they are about things that hurt me, or hurt my friends. As good as they are, they are sometimes hard, and since it was a list of things I love, I didn't want a sad thing to be on it!

Text messaging. It's just fun. Sometimes I hate it though. Like, when I'm trying to get ready, and I get a million text messages, that I have to reply too. Or when You don't get replies. or when you don't know what to say. Or when you get busted for doing it at work. Yeesh. and I'm not the greatest at it. Ask my friends. I think I've gotten better though.

Good night!

This love is slowly killing me

2007-09-24T22:19:00.000-06:00

I'm house sitting. No surprise really since there is, like always, heavy shit to think about. Lisa has wonderful ways of making me see the side I can't see because I'm too consumed by my own head. Someone to help rationalize is nice. Very nice.

I walked 'home' in the rain just now. It's one of the saddest things to do. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it. I will, however, admit listening to Blackfield was a major bad idea! It makes me think of things I thought I figured out. Feelings I thought I dealt with come right on back and make me realize I only covered them up to delude the significance. I don't think I'll ever fully figure this shit out. Ever. I should not listen to Once(or epidemic... or my gift of silence... or anything really) for at least 3 days. But I can safely say I will listen to it 5 times a day. Fuck you Blackfield. Fuck you-fuck you-fuck you-I love you!

It's late. I'm going to bed.

Shut off your mind and burn

2007-09-23T17:33:00.000-06:00

Kinda how I feel today:
Death as it shakes you
Death as it takes you
Don't you give it
A second thought
Hollow head
In a hollow box
Now sinking down
Give me your hand
Shut off your mind and burn
Burning away
Empty souls with empty eyes
Empty beds sell empty lies
You're fucking worthless
It always ends the same
Ashamed to know your name
Can't you hear them laugh
While you swallow
Your last breath
Death knows your name.

So, I'm pretty sure that it's a pre-req for being a landlord that you have to be the worst person for returning phone calls. Like, I think rental companies really won't hire someone if they a) answer their phone b) return a phone call within a week c) don't wait for at LEAST 3 messages before they get on with the call back. Fuck you Jerrie! I just want to pick up my damn keys!

Another weekend passed with sleepless nights and some of the loves of my life. Missing Amanda and Davey though. Which is the big suck. Chris was in town on Friday. That was pretty sweet. Some solid Lol's with him As of Saturday September 22nd, I have a new boyfriend. He goes my the name of Forrest Griffin. Next time he's depressed, I plan to eat a lot of cookies with him for sure! <3<3<3 It's all ambers fault for getting me into UFC again. yeesh

Some decisions you make are right. Some decisions you make are wrong. Some of them you think you made them for the wrong reason. and some you don't realize they are wrong until much after the fact and you're left with this hollow empty feeling in your tummy. This could be the feeling of regret, but I'm thinking it won't last because I've felt it before and I'm pretty good at making it another lesson learned. One I'm hoping not to have to learn again.

Let our sense of selves decay

2007-09-19T20:22:00.000-06:00

Wednesday nights. What is it with Wednesday nights. They've always-well ok since maybe march until maybe last week not including every night-been something. Something to do with something that... that... steals my sleep, takes up my thoughts, wastes my time, and all together causes me more problems than I really ever needed. There is none of the Wednesday nights in my life right now. It's weird. Really weird. I think it's good, and I'm going to keep it this way for awhile. Or at least not try to make a new Wednesday night, until they just fall into the mid week effortlessly. WHAT AM I GOING ON ABOUT?! Wednesday nights. Le Sigh.

I got a hair cut. It's so short.
I think I missed ANTM tonight.
I remembered to take a NyQuil.
I will probably-hopefully- have a undisturbed sleep.

11 more days!

Endless. Broken. White. Lines.

2007-09-18T20:12:00.000-06:00

I'm passed the point of caring what the rest of them think.

Modern Life Is War is by far one of my favourite bands in the world. I can't even describe it. But this band makes my heart fucking explode in the best possible way. Too many fucking people in this world go around pretending to be something their not. Whether it be a elite sceenster, a god loving law abiding citizen, or even a stable human being. Every song, Every verse, every word is so honest, and raw, and un-censored, it's almost hard to believe. It's something to be admired in my opinion. Ok, ok I may be more emotional than the average... But I wouldn't trade having this band in my life for anything(except maybe The Suicide File. Lawlz)

Fuck all you haters.
Do yourselves all a favour and listen to Hair Raising Accounts of Restless Ghosts(aka Hell is for Hero's Part II) But I mean REALLY listen to it. Or just listen to everyhting they have. It's all amazing

I was asked by someone I work with to pose for a painting. I was quite in shock, and I think they think I said no. I was just flattered. I've actually always wanted to do something like that.

Break it

2007-09-16T14:39:00.000-06:00

Drinking 3/4 of a 26 to my self = a bad idea. Well, A bad idea when you wake up feeling like death boiled over, stirred twice. I had a really good night though. Amber and I were quite silly at Jamil's party. Falling off chairs, swinging from chandeliers, making out with our reflections in the wall of mirrors. The usual, really. Getting home at 5am was a total NBD's for sure. I wanted to die at noon, and then Danni, being the little angel she is, made me toast and brought me water. I fell back asleep and woke up just before 3. I officially proclaim that September 15th, 2oo7 to be the most pointless day in the world. After I got home, I had time to take a shower, and then sit on the edge of my bed and watch Melissa take a 5 minute nap, before we were off again to buy a lot of poultry, and then snuggle with my bunny until it was time to leave for bingo. Only realizing as we were walking out her door, that her mother had to be picked up at 11. BLAST. No bingo. The night ended up being spent at the toad, having awkward revelations, and run-ins. I'm glad the weekend is over though. I want to sleep in my bed. I miss it.

2 more weeks and things will be normal again. Thank goodness. I'm currently taking offers for help with moving things. I have a lot of heavy things that my arms are to weak to carry. I'll supply every one's favourite cheap ass beer: two riv's, to anyone who has a kinda heart, and a car. A truck even, if you want an extra special hug?!

This was a pointless entry. I hope you didn't enjoy. :)

Mistakes were you, mistakes were me.

2007-09-13T19:05:00.000-06:00

You probably shouldn't read this. But I'm writing it, regardless.

Today I got an unexpected message on facebook. The body of which was a post written that had something to do with me. Didn't expect to get that, and I'm sure someone sending it to me was unexpected as well. After the shit hit the fan, I decided that this blog wouldn't have the displeasure of having a post written about you. Unfortunately things don't always go as planned. Because I'm about ready to buy bill boards and air plane message fly bys to make this as clear as day to you. I decided that using your favourite means of "communication" must be the best way, and cheapest.

It would be interesting to hear an explanation as to how I've done a 180. You must've meant on the kind of person I am. Sure, compare me to the person I was 5 years ago, 3 years ago, 1.5 years ago, I have changed. I've changed in the ways I have needed to, to become the person I strive to be.(Yeah, I know I've got a long way to go) But I haven't changed in the way you're accusing me of. The only thing that has changed is that you're not my friend any more. You just feel I've done a 180 because you're now on the receiving end of my bad qualities. I'm not sorry for that. That is because if you think for one second that you've done nothing to deserve no longer having me, and a number of really amazing, good people as friends, it just proves my point that you have ab-so-fucking-lutely no idea of how, what you do, day in and day out is what has brought you to this point in your life. (a point that, yeah, most of us go through. some sooner than others, some later than others.)

I can't even count the times I've stuck up for you in the past. The number of times I've made excuses for dumb things you've done. The never ending times I've stopped myself in disbelief of the selfish, immature decisions you've made. I had so much faith in you, and hope for you. Until just before the last days of our lease I was still questioning if this bad blood would last, or if I would just sweep it under the rug, again. Rarely in my life do I just throw my hands up, and give up on things. I did this time, but I'm still not even sure why I did. Maybe I fell for peer pressure? No, I wouldn't call it that. I think it was more people who cared about me, helped me knock some sense into my self. Reminded me that I needed to stop investing emotionally into a relationship that I was getting nothing but stress, closed doors, and the silent treatment out of. Don't worry, I know the good things that came out of our friendship. I don';t need anyone to tell me that. I don't need anyone to contradict that either. I learnt things, that I needed to learn. But there is only so many time you can go through the same routine over and over again, until the fun times, the good times, mean shit all.

This situation isn't easy for me either. Granted I'm not loosing sleep, or having nervous breakdowns(about this, let me clarify). But I guess those kind of things go hand in hand with self realization. Unless of course, you haven't gotten to that point yet?! Time will tell. Time will pass, and so will this. So will these hard feelings. Until then you may want to stop dragging my name through the dirt, to try and make me look like the only one who's done something wrong in life. Just for a second step back from all of this, and see it from both sides. You may figure it all out. You may not. I've decided not to place a bet, and just get along with other things.

I still have a million and one things to say, but I am lacking a million and one words to really say them. I don't care if you read this or not. I don't care if you take any of it in, either. Chances are you'll just write more posts about how I do this and that, and completely disregard that I already know what I've done, and that you need to realize what YOU'VE done, and why you've done it. I guess maybe I just needed to get most of it out now, Because after today the only way this situation is going to be talked about by me, is if you grab your fucking balls and say something to me about it. I'm done. It's over. Next.

P.s. I really like cartel. I also have really cold toes.

Here it goes again,
Put on that deserving tone.
And don't you forget that this was all your fault.
It's breathing down your neck
You know you've got to let this go.
You're such a wreck and now it starts to show.
Because all you can't deny is held inside.
And when we go we say goodbye.
And then we run

So sorry, two words I always think.

2007-09-12T21:32:00.000-06:00

Dear Mr.
I'm sorry. I made a lot of mistakes.
Sincerely, Calories.

This evening I'm going to start my Top 5 Lists. Not every post will have one, but this one will.

Top 5 Things to look forward to this weekend:

1) Sleeping in 2 days in a row
2) No work pants
3) Dance party at the Albert (?)
4) The Drank
5) Looking for paint colours.

This is Gir. On top of the fridge. He likes it up there, and I love him. When he's not pooping where he shouldn't be.

This is all I know.

2007-09-11T09:45:00.000-06:00

I want to say everything I feel.
I want to not care who reads it.
I want to live by the words I tattooed on my self, to remind me how I want to live.
I want you to feel like you can do the same.
I want to hear everything you want to say.
I want to know why you feel those things.
I want to know what to do for you.
I want you to know that I feel this way.

I need a good hug for a number of reasons. Anyone who would like to give me one, is more than welcome to do so. Don't be surprised if I just start to bawl my eyes out though. I'm about ready to stop feeling so emotional.

24 is on the tv in the lunch room right now. Oh jack, I will always lust for you. :giggles:

The moon is not only beautiful

2007-09-10T18:49:00.000-06:00

I didn't sleep a wink last night. Actually, I guess that's a lie. I slept for about 2 hours. I don't know what was wrong with me but I could not turn my brain of. I hate the fact that thoughts of boys from my past haunted me all night. How the F? G's. It was terrible. Every single one. Every one that hurt me. Everyone that I hurt. Every one that neither of us got a chance to hurt.
It was a miserable night. Even worse was how it didn't stop when I fell asleep. Oh certainly not. It was with me when I woke, and stayed all throughout the day. It's fitting to have such a headache today. It matches the ache in the heart. Yup, the one I thought was going away. A big ol' Fuck you to this situation.

Today I found someone who likes old movies. Like, as much as me. Purhaps even more? haha. It seems I can ramble on and on about actresses I idolize, and Actors I'm madly in love with, but no one ever knows who I'm talking about. This is exciting. Maybe I have a new movie watching friend.

This lovely little picture here-> It's a still from Flesh and The Devil. It's a silent film, with Greta Garbo & John Gilbert. It's actually the first silent film I've watched that I could handle more then 5 minutes of. I actually watched the whole thing, and gained a lot more respect for Garbo then I thought I may. I love the grand hotel, but found her character too annoying, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. There's this one scene when Gilbert's character approaches Garbo at a ball, and when they zoom in on her, just the way she is sitting, with her back kind of hunched, nonchalant like, made me want to die inside. In a good way, of course. UGH

Today is going to be a long week, and I rally want to eat pineapples, and strawberries right now. Jus Sayin

2007-09-09T16:51:00.000-06:00

I'm back at my mom's now. 21 sleeps until my new place is officially my new place. I need to call my landlord and see what's up though. The people were already like, Moved out when I went to go view the place. I'm sure they'll be gone by now. and then I can start to paint and decorate. This will be my third time moving out... But this time it's more important to me. I've had 2 pretty shitty roommate situations, so I'm looking forward to living alone, in a clean quite place so much more then I can even explain. Thinking about how sweet it will be makes me heart feel all warm. Ha. It's a nice feeling since, It's been feeling pretty heavy since... Oh...well... a long ass time. It feels like the dramatics in my life are starting to cease, and I'm glad for it. Girls been living in a whirlwind for way too long.

Today, I figured out how to add links to friends blogs. I'm so proud. Because I'm so computer retarded. I also learnt how to scan things today. Big day for me... You know, being 6pm, and I'm still in my Jim Jams.

Mid last week, My bestest friend David m. O'Byrne, peaced on the Straight Edge. When he told me about his decision, I was Shocked. I was not upset, or disappointed because, well I'm pretty sure we all know I'm no one to talk. Davey is just one of the few, and I mean like 5, people who I could never expect to do so. We had his first official night out on Friday. It started at the toad, which ended up being a bust, and then we ended up at Bar I. One of the funnest evenings I've had in a long time.

That's my drink. Btw

Amber's Classic move

My eyes were closed in 90% of these pictures

I don't really know what to say... I'm back into the "surface" talk mood... sooooo 'tevs.

Take it easy on me

2007-09-06T22:31:00.001-06:00

I wish I was able to say that the events of this evening didn't piss me right off. One stupid fucking thing after another. It's actually so dumb.

Amber and I were sitting talking about calendars, and how she didn't have one. I just so happen to have an extra, in a bag of pantry stuff sittin on the floor. When I go to pull it out... it's sticky with molasses. WTF? yeah, exactly. I thought maybe it was just on the calender, and maybe a few things around. NOPE. All over everything. So obviously I gotta go clean this shit up. It's all over the floor, on every bit of food stuffs in the bag, and the boxes. I pick up a box of spaghetti and -you guessed it-I spill it every fucking where. BLASTED LIFE. Amanda is like, here ready to pick me up and my hands are full of noodles, not to mention covered in molasses. 'tevs. I clean up, go to grab my purse. my sweater-wait- where's my sweater? YEAH. GONE. Lost it. Between my bosses house and Amber's place I dropped it. It wouldn't be so terrible, you know... if it wasn't less than a week old. Dinner wasn't so bad. It was actually quite nice. Until I was standing outside taking a picture of everyone, and then-bam- Someone just strolls right on by. Not even a hello. G's. Grown up much. 'tevs.

I think I'm done my rant about this now.

Stoked for the weekend. I need sleep. Really bad, yet I'm still online

I still can't get this off my mind. It's at the sleep stealing point. I think it's almost worse... you know... when you had such hope, and it just got washed away with a few simple words. It's hard to sit with all the "What if"s and "I wonder"s. The possibility lost is almost worse to think about than the actually loss. Well, ok in this situation anyway. I don't know how to just stop thinking. But I think it would help if I could get some clarification. I can't though. It would just make me seem a bit crazy, i think, so instead I'm stuck with this box to be filled with my zeros and ones. Lookin crazy, regardless. UGH.

JUST UGH!

This is all I know.

2007-09-04T21:04:00.000-06:00

So, I know I said I was only going to do surface for the next few days, but I don't always do what I say.

Inturprit as you will:

I find myself on a page a number of times a day. Not just any page. The page that is causing me the most instability. once. twice. sometimes 5 times a day. Every chance I get. It's like it's taunting me. Fuck, it is taunting me. It taunts me just like my phone. When I'm not willing it to blow up, the devil and the angel are on my shoulders fighting about what to do.
I haven't been able to decide who's fighting the right fight.
Every place I go, it's one of the 2 questions I'm asked. Neither question has a good answer, but it's silly because this is the one that causes the more pungent taste in my mouth. It's the one that makes my tummy plummet to the ultimate depth. The beginning of the story was hard to tell, but the ending is even harder. How can you explain something, you don't even understand.
"Just give it time" everyone says.
Well, how much fucking time? How do I know when it's been long enough. In some cases a few hours is enough, and others... well, it's been over a year now. But is any amount of time going to change this? Will it turn into what I want? Or are they saying to give it time, because in time it will be one of those things that I look back upon and am like "Man, what a waste." Everyone knows that in time, everything changes. I'm just killin' myself to know, in which way will this change?
It's the cliches that ruin everything. No one can ever speak of something they truly feel, with out someone piping up with a thoughtful little phrase we've all heard from others, and our own mouths. It's almost more nauseating than the pain, of any degree, to hear the words you silently begged and pleaded not to hear.
"Give it time" - "You're day will come" - "It wasn't meant to be" - "It's better this way" - "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"
By this point, I'm one of the strongest girls in the world. I'm pretty close to being able to prove that.

Just take one step

2007-09-03T09:50:00.000-06:00

Last night, as soon as I left my moms house after fam jams, I should have just gone 'home'. I spent way to much time inside my own head, and it made me just angry. I honestly should have put a stop to my day when I dropped my sewing machine on my foot. Surprisingly, it hasn't bruised at all. I gave my self a pretty manicure though. It actually turned out quite nice. I never paint my nails... I'm bad at it. I did chip my middle finger some how though.

Friday I went shopping. Like, actually shopping. Let me tell you! it was great! I bought the most boner inducing fall coat ever(along with a number of other boner inducing items). It's Navy blue wool. I wish I could find a picture... but I can't.

I'm clearly talking about nothing to avoid talking about things that I want to talk about. I just don't feel like swimming through the muck right now. I rather just be surface today, and the next few days. Deal with it.

Think it's time to medicate my love and hate.

2007-08-29T23:17:00.001-06:00

I need to learn to trust my intuition more. I've proven this to myself so many times, but for some reason, it bugs me a whole lot more this time around. I'm really idling between the bummed the f out side, and the slightly pissed off side. Shit just is NOT adding up. Actions speak louder than words, which is why this whole bit of confusion has surfaced. I don't get it, and that is frustrating.
I don't even know how to explain this. I don't know where to start. I know I didn't want it ending here though.

Fact: Ending the evening watching Sex & the City was a bad idea!

I'm sick of television, I'm sick of television, I'm sick of television, I'm sick of YOU!

2007-08-21T20:05:00.000-06:00

I think this is going to just end up as a post about how I need to wax my eyebrows, and rinse off the dishes before I put them in the dishwasher. I'm house sitting for my work mom, and it's nice because she has a new dobbie puppy, with uncropped ears, and he's the sweetest little thing ever. I seriously am a free lance house sitter these days. Not complaining. Anything to get me out of the apartment.

Speaking of getting out of the apartment. There's only a week or 2 left of that place. Looking forward to getting my damage deposit back. Looking forward to a clean kitchen. Looking forward to walking around in my panties all day/night. Looking forward to one less bit of stress that I never, ever needed. :sigh: I'd be broke any day of my life before I ever make the mistake to move in with a good friend, again. It's a shame though. I really did hope for the best.

Tomorrow is Davey's Birthday. I don't think I tell him how much I love him enough. He literally is one of the most important friends I have ever had. You know it's something special when someone can straight up tell you you're being dumb, and retarded, and know as the words are coming out of their mouth, that they are telling you because they care, and because they really do have your best interest in heart. I wish more people could have relationships like that. It's important to be told when you're making mistakes you don't realize. It's also important to not hold resentment against the friend saying them. Because... they love you.

There is so much change going on at work. I've noticed that all the change in my life happens at once. Big changes, that I can't do anything about. Big changes, that I need strenght to manage. I'm also always sick when they hire new people in out department. It's like I'm there in infect people with germs to see if their dedication is as solid as a flacid noodle. Makes no sense. History repeats itself, yet again

I fell asleep in his arms last night. I was allowed to pick the movie. I felt pretty ok laughing at all the parts that I would usually be laughing alone to. I didn't call it a night until just before 2am. I am tired as all hell today, but wouldn't have done it differently. I find it quite funny, they've all been so goofy, but I think we'll figure it out soon. I have a crush on a boy, and I don't care who knows.

So, back to eyebrow waxing, dish rinsing, puppy snuggling, and day dreaming.

I know how the words get you

2007-08-19T09:30:00.000-06:00

I wish I wasn't such a huge girl sometimes. Seriously. I hate how one sentence can just make me stop dead in my tracks and spend the next 15 minutes-3 hours thinking about what it meant, and what the intent of the statement was, and what the cause, and desired effect was... It's fucked! It's fucked because chances are... In all reality that it was nothing more than what was said and there is no lingering meaning behind it at all. Like come on. I'm the girl. I'm the one that means one thing but says it in a way that can mean 5 other things. I'm not the one who says what they mean.... It's my breed who has trouble being straight forward with words.
I'm going to spend the rest of today periodically stopping to reflect on whats happened in the last.... week that may have lead it to happen until I either get the nerve to say something, or something is said to me.

assuming of course this isn't all in my head... chances are I'm just going to be wasting my day, eh.

2007-08-13T14:02:00.001-06:00

Taking responsibility for your actions: First step to; growing up, working to solve your own problems, & getting to where you want to be.

You fail. too bad, I suppose.

2007-08-08T11:43:00.000-06:00

blah blah blah.

UGH.

the elegance they had before has been stripped and covered in dust

2007-08-06T21:06:00.000-06:00

Greed and self-righteousness certainly give you a lovely glow. You do wear it so well, better then anyone I know. I've sat back, sometimes in front row center, other in the very last row of the auditorium - watching you plant your seed, web the connections, and claw, and dig, and destroy anything in your way to get to the top of this grand pyramid. This structure that you think is so valuable, and so gratifying, and rich with stature, Make your way up and don't look back. Because If you look back you may see your wrong doings. Look back and you may notice the filthy mess you've made of a reputation you're trying so hard to build with diamonds and gold. No bother with the ones down there. How far from the top they are. How much they lack in what awaits up there for you. What you're missing is the realization that everything from the ground up makes what's at the top. The day you feel gratitude towards the people who you've gone through, the ones that blindly assist and encouraged, the people whom have done what they could to help you, is the day that you see what you've done is the difference between closeness in an assemblage & loneliness at the peak of the grand pyramid. You'll end up alone in the worst kind of way.

This I find terribly fitting:

You are who you fuck, or so I am told
In this miserable city, where status is gold
I've seen shit-eating people who claw their way up
Looking for the acceptance that they never got
It's all about winning the meat market games
Among all the rejects, dropouts and fakes
Did everyone give you the attention you seek
Who's arm are you draped on this fucking week
Trophy boys and trohpy girls
Go fuck yourself, I hate your world
Fair-weather friends are keeping score
Name dropper, name fucker
You're a fucking whore

have I ever mentioned how much I love The Suicide File?

Formula one race cat. - Dsh - 04/08/04 - F

2007-08-01T17:50:00.000-06:00

By default of working in the customer service field, I encounter tons of very very stupid people. Of course there are a number of smart people, who understand, and appreciate the kind of company we are. But the stupid ones really outweigh the smarties. Of all the stupid customers, and of all the stupid things that they do, and expect, and say, and think.... what gets me the most is some of the names people give their pets. I've come across a number of amazing names I'd really like to name my pets. But then there are the people who think Bailey, Charlie, or maybe even Emma are unique original names. These, are not any of those things. They are common, annoying, and damn well no good. Within just 3 minutes I came across some awful names today. Llama-cookie. Golf-tip. Bookmark. WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE? For a moment you may think that these could possibly be breeder names. But they are not. (Breeders often take the name of the bitch or queen, and incorporate something 'unique' for each of the litter, btw. Sometimes they end up as Sunshine's beauty mountain rise, or some shit like that) Some people like to give their pets names that they think are funny, or witty. But I assure you kind sirs and madams, they are not. Naming a bichon fries something like Gigantor, or your Persian puffy ("oh, because he's just so cute and fluffy- gush-") is not a good idea. Unless of course you were intending for people of an obviously much higher common sense than you to think you are a complete and udder moron.

In a world that I could rule over... in this perfect world, people who think of bad names for there pet would not be allowed to have pet insurance. Maybe even not have pets at all. I'd also disallow them to have insurance-of any kind- if they couldn't figure out how the fuck to send in COMPLETE(Com-plete:-adjective- having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full: a complete set of Mark Twain's writings ) documentation such as applications, claim forms, medical records. etc.

That was a rant 2.5 years in the making. If I had more time, I'd go on. On and on for a very long time.

2007-07-25T22:13:00.000-06:00

Please life, drop some more fucking shit on to my plate. I can totally handle like, 2 more things.
Ok sweet. Thanks! xo

Some mistakes you never stop paying for.

2007-07-22T22:02:00.000-06:00

There's someone stopped at the stop light, and they are listening to sublime really loud. It's funny for some reason to me.
Tomorrow I'm going to be house sitting for my manager again. I just realized that every time I house sit for her, something big has just happened, and I have this seemingly huge, empty house to fill with my ever endless thought process. This past week, including this weekend has really left me with more things to think about then I feel my self able to cope with. Generally I like to keep things in my own head, or at least in the ears that I feel I can trust, and that care most. But when it gets to the exploding point I just can't help but spill it all out into a little internet box and make it somehow become as meaningless as little words and letters and zeros and ones.

Last night I had a telephone conversation that lasted no less then 30 minutes, although I was slightly drunk I can't be certain about how long it actually was. It pretty much consisted of me being told every thing that I am bad at. I was told how I say all the wrong things, and I do all the wrong things, and I act all the wrong ways. Most of the time I just sat on the edge of my bed wiping up my tears with a saturated kleenex in silence, and the other bit was spent trying fruitlessly to explain. It's terribly frustrating trying to explain something so personal and so painful over the phone to someone who in their own mind thinks they are the only person who knows the truth. I'm sitting her with blurry eyes thinking back to all the things that were said, and not for a second am I going to bother denying the truth in most of these words, But I am going to deny that I've spent my whole life thinking I've lived my life perfectly. If anyone in the world knows I make mistakes it's me. and I try day in and day out to correct my mistakes, and correct my short comings, and bite my tongue, and hold my gut reactions back.

I cried myself to sleep last night a number of times, considering it was a terribly un-restful sleep. The thoughts of how I hurt someone I cared about, and upset someone who, despite not being close with, also cared about stole most of my sleep last night. The biggest sleep stealer was me thinking about no matter how I know I've changed, and how I've thought I changed so much since last year, that in the eyes of near strangers I'm still some terrible person who says mean things and reacts poorly and doesn't know how to do anything right. I also thought a lot about how, if given the chance to try to explain the reason I do things all wrong, or am the way I am, to the people who actually matter if it would even make a difference. Would it make a difference if someone had some insight on the hard knox I've gone through? I may have come to the conclusion that it could go either way. If someone really did care about me, they would take it all into consideration and perhaps have an ounce of understanding and Patience, no? But if they didn't they'd just write me off as not worth the time? I know I can't expect everyone to take the time, or to care, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I want to say so many things to a few people, because I just won't be comfortable with this remaining the way it is. I just don't know how, or if I can. One is more stubborn than I am, and well has kept a silence for 2 weeks now. One is the hardest person to get ahold of, and the other I just don't know well enough to know if they give 2 shits about it.

My heart is heavy, and my head is pounding. My eyes are swollen, and my back now hurts from this chair. So I think it's time to end this... God.

Both guns blazing

2007-07-15T18:35:00.000-06:00

I was at that breaking point a long time ago. The only difference is that now, I'm no longer the only one who knows. So many things could have been different, and the grave that's been dug could have been re-filled months ago. Take a moment and reflect on what's been done.

I didn't want this.

2007-07-15T15:41:00.001-06:00

Yeah, I've done it. No big deal.