I really can't remember when it's been like this. It's funny... I can remember so many things, but I can never remember if this happens every time. I can't even explain why it's doing this to me. Maybe it's like this, becuase it was something I really hoped for for a long time, and it was so so so close to being real. Maybe it feels worse because the closeness. Maybe it's like this becuase there isn't something to take my mind off it right away, like I usually have.
How could this happen.
How could I do this to myself.
How could I let myself do it again.
How do I stop it in a good way, and not the kind of way I tend to.
How do I end up beating myself up about things, and always blamming myself instead of the ones who've done the things to make this happen.
I think I just need to have a big cry. A big huge hard cry.
I usually do feel so much better after those. It's really been a long time since the last.