Thursday, December 27, 2007

Look back and feel it in your bones

It being only 4 days away from the new year, I see it fit to write a"Year in Review" post. I've done one since the days of my open diary way back when... so I have to continue. Last year's was a simple "2007, You can't get worse then '06, so just be awesome. " 2006 was a hard year to beat in the bad department.
I'm totally on the fence about 2007. The drama-rama didn't stop, But the good things certainly held their ground. I find it hard to completely look back with totally negative feelings. I've decided to Go with a top 5 format. Not a top 5 best or worst, but a top five most.Seeing as in my old age, the beginning of the year is a bit foggy...most of the things on the list are from the last few months. They themselves are huge, so that could be the reason only one item is from the first half of the year. I'm not sure if this is in the right order... It's difficult for me to be able to gauge it.

5) My Parents Separating

It Happened at the end of October. My Mom broke the news over lunch with my sister & I. At first I was filled with so many things & I actually was a wreck for a bit, it was a long time coming, but it seemed so different when it actually became a reality. It was hard, and confusing.It still is. I'm still left not knowing what to think, or how to feel.My Dad moves out January, 1st. What are things going to be like now?Christmas was awkward enough with the big pink Elephant in the corner that only became more awkward when either one of them made a crack about it. It was major collar pulls all over the place. I realize, this is the first time I've actually 'talked' about this in here. Hmm.

4) New Job

I kinda hate it. That's hard to say. It's hard because it's not the kind of hate I had towards my old job. I hated my old job because I worked with Goons, and I hated babysitting grown women. I was always keeping everything together, and the place seriously fell apart when I was away for even one day. I was in control of everything and I actually loved that part. the job made me a control freak. Unfortunately in all aspects of my life. What I did like was knowing all the ropes, being the "Go to Girl", and fixing every trouble that came about. With my new job, I hate it because it's the complete opposite. I have No Control. I'm the bottom of the totem pole, and have an unfair disadvantage of being the only claims adjuster that isn't an AHT (Animal Health Technologist). Loosing the control at work made me able to -try to- give up control in the other aspects of life, I can't control. Thank God. It's hard though, the job, because it's really challenging for me. I actually struggle and I HATE that I'm not already amazing at it. I'm being told that I'm doing great, but I don't completely agree. I'm terribly hard on myself & can't help but expect perfection. One step at a time. One day at a time. When you think about it, it's actually a great thing for me to go through.

3) Realizing my own hypocrisy

I'm a hypocrite. A huge one. In the spring I did the one thing to someone I care for, that I loose my mind about when it happens to me & other people. This one is a little difficult to write about because there is only really one person who knows most thoughts etc.etc. about it. Amanda's ear has been talked off her head. That sucks because I've never even had the guts to actually talk to the person who needed to hear it all. From day one I had that awful feeling that once it started, things wouldn't be the same. I can't tell you how different things would be, had I dealt with it properly, but I do know I was filled with contempt from the moment I realized I was lacking the courage to do what I needed and he deserved.

2) Moving out alone

I've made 2 big mistakes when it's come to moving out. #1 Tassia. #2Lyndsey. I should have learned the first time, that I'm the kind of person that needs a neat freak for a roommate, or a non existent one. I decided that with my luck "third times a charm" was not a chance I should take. I moved out alone, and realized how much I love being alone in my home, and all the other millions of reasons there are that I needed this. I guess I'm at that stage where I need to live solo. It's amazing the kinda of things you learn about yourself when you're alone.Seems silly, sure, but it's hard to explain. Who would have thought I',the kinda girl that hates putting on pants between the hours of 6pm &2pm?

1) Seeing The Suicide File

It's Just a band. It was just a hardcore show. It was just the one thing I'd been waiting for, for a number of years. Trying to explain how much this band means to me has never been done but somehow it became clear when people found out how much I spent, and how much trouble I had gone through to get there. People who really know me, really know it was something big when they realized I was going by myself. Of course, that wasn't the initial plan, but when the person whom you're to go with mysteriously peaces out on you, you've already bought your tickets,everyone who wanted/could go already had everything set, and everyone who wasn't planning to at first couldn't come because their work, You haven't got much choice. Just the show was enough to make it all worth it. God, them playing "Things Fall Apart" & "The Somme" would have been enough. I can die a satisfied girl. It's all I needed.

So that's that. Super long, I know. I doubt anyone will even read the whole thing, but who cares. It could be better this way.

4 comments:

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Anonymous said...

#6 being friends with amber:

cunt face pelvic thruster grill chez burrs feta eggs lph stage pusher in the morning gross! arrigato judge guacamole aids infested guidos toad fries i need water reverse boners abort abort abort!



zing!

calories said...

I love that you posted that 3 times! I really do!