Tuesday, September 4, 2007

This is all I know.

So, I know I said I was only going to do surface for the next few days, but I don't always do what I say.

Inturprit as you will:

I find myself on a page a number of times a day. Not just any page. The page that is causing me the most instability. once. twice. sometimes 5 times a day. Every chance I get. It's like it's taunting me. Fuck, it is taunting me. It taunts me just like my phone. When I'm not willing it to blow up, the devil and the angel are on my shoulders fighting about what to do.
I haven't been able to decide who's fighting the right fight.
Every place I go, it's one of the 2 questions I'm asked. Neither question has a good answer, but it's silly because this is the one that causes the more pungent taste in my mouth. It's the one that makes my tummy plummet to the ultimate depth. The beginning of the story was hard to tell, but the ending is even harder. How can you explain something, you don't even understand.
"Just give it time" everyone says.
Well, how much fucking time? How do I know when it's been long enough. In some cases a few hours is enough, and others... well, it's been over a year now. But is any amount of time going to change this? Will it turn into what I want? Or are they saying to give it time, because in time it will be one of those things that I look back upon and am like "Man, what a waste." Everyone knows that in time, everything changes. I'm just killin' myself to know, in which way will this change?
It's the cliches that ruin everything. No one can ever speak of something they truly feel, with out someone piping up with a thoughtful little phrase we've all heard from others, and our own mouths. It's almost more nauseating than the pain, of any degree, to hear the words you silently begged and pleaded not to hear.
"Give it time" - "You're day will come" - "It wasn't meant to be" - "It's better this way" - "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"
By this point, I'm one of the strongest girls in the world. I'm pretty close to being able to prove that.

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