Thursday, September 13, 2007

Mistakes were you, mistakes were me.

You probably shouldn't read this. But I'm writing it, regardless.

Today I got an unexpected message on facebook. The body of which was a post written that had something to do with me. Didn't expect to get that, and I'm sure someone sending it to me was unexpected as well. After the shit hit the fan, I decided that this blog wouldn't have the displeasure of having a post written about you. Unfortunately things don't always go as planned. Because I'm about ready to buy bill boards and air plane message fly bys to make this as clear as day to you. I decided that using your favourite means of "communication" must be the best way, and cheapest.

It would be interesting to hear an explanation as to how I've done a 180. You must've meant on the kind of person I am. Sure, compare me to the person I was 5 years ago, 3 years ago, 1.5 years ago, I have changed. I've changed in the ways I have needed to, to become the person I strive to be.(Yeah, I know I've got a long way to go) But I haven't changed in the way you're accusing me of. The only thing that has changed is that you're not my friend any more. You just feel I've done a 180 because you're now on the receiving end of my bad qualities. I'm not sorry for that. That is because if you think for one second that you've done nothing to deserve no longer having me, and a number of really amazing, good people as friends, it just proves my point that you have ab-so-fucking-lutely no idea of how, what you do, day in and day out is what has brought you to this point in your life. (a point that, yeah, most of us go through. some sooner than others, some later than others.)

I can't even count the times I've stuck up for you in the past. The number of times I've made excuses for dumb things you've done. The never ending times I've stopped myself in disbelief of the selfish, immature decisions you've made. I had so much faith in you, and hope for you. Until just before the last days of our lease I was still questioning if this bad blood would last, or if I would just sweep it under the rug, again. Rarely in my life do I just throw my hands up, and give up on things. I did this time, but I'm still not even sure why I did. Maybe I fell for peer pressure? No, I wouldn't call it that. I think it was more people who cared about me, helped me knock some sense into my self. Reminded me that I needed to stop investing emotionally into a relationship that I was getting nothing but stress, closed doors, and the silent treatment out of. Don't worry, I know the good things that came out of our friendship. I don';t need anyone to tell me that. I don't need anyone to contradict that either. I learnt things, that I needed to learn. But there is only so many time you can go through the same routine over and over again, until the fun times, the good times, mean shit all.

This situation isn't easy for me either. Granted I'm not loosing sleep, or having nervous breakdowns(about this, let me clarify). But I guess those kind of things go hand in hand with self realization. Unless of course, you haven't gotten to that point yet?! Time will tell. Time will pass, and so will this. So will these hard feelings. Until then you may want to stop dragging my name through the dirt, to try and make me look like the only one who's done something wrong in life. Just for a second step back from all of this, and see it from both sides. You may figure it all out. You may not. I've decided not to place a bet, and just get along with other things.

I still have a million and one things to say, but I am lacking a million and one words to really say them. I don't care if you read this or not. I don't care if you take any of it in, either. Chances are you'll just write more posts about how I do this and that, and completely disregard that I already know what I've done, and that you need to realize what YOU'VE done, and why you've done it. I guess maybe I just needed to get most of it out now, Because after today the only way this situation is going to be talked about by me, is if you grab your fucking balls and say something to me about it. I'm done. It's over. Next.

P.s. I really like cartel. I also have really cold toes.


Here it goes again,
Put on that deserving tone.
And don't you forget that this was all your fault.
It's breathing down your neck
You know you've got to let this go.
You're such a wreck and now it starts to show.
Because all you can't deny is held inside.
And when we go we say goodbye.
And then we run

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