Sunday, July 22, 2007

Some mistakes you never stop paying for.

There's someone stopped at the stop light, and they are listening to sublime really loud. It's funny for some reason to me.
Tomorrow I'm going to be house sitting for my manager again. I just realized that every time I house sit for her, something big has just happened, and I have this seemingly huge, empty house to fill with my ever endless thought process. This past week, including this weekend has really left me with more things to think about then I feel my self able to cope with. Generally I like to keep things in my own head, or at least in the ears that I feel I can trust, and that care most. But when it gets to the exploding point I just can't help but spill it all out into a little internet box and make it somehow become as meaningless as little words and letters and zeros and ones.

Last night I had a telephone conversation that lasted no less then 30 minutes, although I was slightly drunk I can't be certain about how long it actually was. It pretty much consisted of me being told every thing that I am bad at. I was told how I say all the wrong things, and I do all the wrong things, and I act all the wrong ways. Most of the time I just sat on the edge of my bed wiping up my tears with a saturated kleenex in silence, and the other bit was spent trying fruitlessly to explain. It's terribly frustrating trying to explain something so personal and so painful over the phone to someone who in their own mind thinks they are the only person who knows the truth. I'm sitting her with blurry eyes thinking back to all the things that were said, and not for a second am I going to bother denying the truth in most of these words, But I am going to deny that I've spent my whole life thinking I've lived my life perfectly. If anyone in the world knows I make mistakes it's me. and I try day in and day out to correct my mistakes, and correct my short comings, and bite my tongue, and hold my gut reactions back.

I cried myself to sleep last night a number of times, considering it was a terribly un-restful sleep. The thoughts of how I hurt someone I cared about, and upset someone who, despite not being close with, also cared about stole most of my sleep last night. The biggest sleep stealer was me thinking about no matter how I know I've changed, and how I've thought I changed so much since last year, that in the eyes of near strangers I'm still some terrible person who says mean things and reacts poorly and doesn't know how to do anything right. I also thought a lot about how, if given the chance to try to explain the reason I do things all wrong, or am the way I am, to the people who actually matter if it would even make a difference. Would it make a difference if someone had some insight on the hard knox I've gone through? I may have come to the conclusion that it could go either way. If someone really did care about me, they would take it all into consideration and perhaps have an ounce of understanding and Patience, no? But if they didn't they'd just write me off as not worth the time? I know I can't expect everyone to take the time, or to care, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I want to say so many things to a few people, because I just won't be comfortable with this remaining the way it is. I just don't know how, or if I can. One is more stubborn than I am, and well has kept a silence for 2 weeks now. One is the hardest person to get ahold of, and the other I just don't know well enough to know if they give 2 shits about it.

My heart is heavy, and my head is pounding. My eyes are swollen, and my back now hurts from this chair. So I think it's time to end this... God.


lionamelie said...

wow Karlie, that was really well written. I know how you feel, when others percieve you to be one way and in your heart you feel you are another. Im the same way, I often come across to others as someone I'm not because they don't know me, or don't bother to take the time to get to know me. Just keep smiling.

ps. I know what you mean about thinking its funny when someone blasts sublime, my neighbor blasts nickelback all the time, one time my roomie thought it was me. oh boy.

ps. this is shawni.

calories said...

So, I don't know how this thing works... it really confuses me...eeeps!

lionamelie said...

yeah I'm not sure how this works either,I'm much better with livejournal. haha. I wanna learn how I can add friends to the side of my know how you see other people have them? Once I spent 2 hours trying to do it, to no avail. if you find out, let me know ...