Thursday, September 4, 2008

It feels like Monday. I haven't been to work since Friday.
I went to check post secrets anticipating new ones. Only to find the same heartbreaking ones i saw when I was at my sisters on Monday morning.
Last night I came closer to absolute terror than I think I've ever been. Well, actually it was this morning. Why are all my lessons learned the hard way? Really.
I just read a blog that reminded me of my favourite song. It fits to well.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Well we stick our fingers in the ground and heave and turn the world around

All I feel like doing is:
Drinking lightly carbonated limonata sodies.
Listen to Tom Waits.
Sew things I don't really have ready to sew.
Drink different kinds of carbonated beverages with my lovely ladies.
Snuggle Adam.
Eat roasted potatoes & cheese?!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Take me anywhere

This just in:

3 x 30 +1.

I have nothing more, really.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Grilled Salmon.
Smoked Goldeye & Lemon
Roasted Potato's & Mushrooms

Big ol' Salad.
Oka Cheese
Jalapeno Focaccia Breed & Balsamic vinegrette
With Limesicles for Dessert
= Best Diner Ever.

My boyfriend makes me dinners & it makes me melt.
Men who cook* = Best

*for me.

I finally have the monitor situation under control. Having a computer & Internet at home will be the weirdest feeling. Also probably not good for my productivity. Which right now, isn't something to brag about. mostly because my sewing machine is out of commission... FUCK YOU SEWING MACHINE. :(
Universe >Me

Edit - Sewing machine = Fixed. Monitor = useless. Computer = BUSTED.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I'm just tired of living in fear

I can't read any ones blogs. They are all blocked by the "net nanny" F that S.

This weather is a big "le sigh"
I'm starting a clothing company.
I really want to eat pizza.
Naps are required very soon.
I want Jelly Belly's that aren't sour.

Sometimes I forget about Holly Mcnarland. And after I remember, I don't understand how I forgot. And then I listen to "Stuff" and every song makes me happy in that kinda way that only a sad song can. How does that make sense? Oh yeah, it doesn't.

Flesh & the Devil is on my pvr right now. Every time I see it on the list of movies I get really excited. I should be watching it right now.

Monday, June 30, 2008

I don't want it anymore

Of all the years, and all the situations, why only now is someone able to make a difference in a way that no one else has been able to?
My tummy felt hallow and heart felt heavy all weekend.

Give me some time, and I hope I can make my bad habits history.

On a lighter note: Today is payday and I'm far to excited to go to shoppers to buy hairspray and lip gloss. I know you're jealous.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

should'a said.

Bleeding love is playing on the weather channel right now. I wish Ryse was around so I could tell her, and we could giggle together.

There are to many things I've needed to say out loud. I've practiced biting my tongue for far to long, I think. It's become a habit. At the worst of times.

- Why are holidays always terrible for the people who lack what everyone is celebrating? Fathers day was easy, actually. It was last night that was hard. These hard feelings I have towards him, are the things I need to get over. I hate how the things that have happened are responsible for the way I feel about so many things that have nothing to do with anything. It's not fair to myself, or to him, or to other people, to blame him, always him, for my fears and doubts and short comings in life. I don't know how... but... oh never mind.

- I know I've made the wrong decision a lot of times. I know this because I know how many times I decide, change my mind, decide, and change my mind all over again. I gave up. And I'm deeply sorry. My fear is preventing me from dialing a few numbers. But if I could tell you (and have you believe) that I'll always answer the phone if ever you feel like giving it another chance.

- One of the featured articles on Wikipedia was about Vlad III Dracula today. The biggest smile crept across my face. Today you remedied me that some times, flashing signs need to be put up. I'll start working on them.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Secret Heart

It's terribly refreshing to see the sun and the blue sky today. It's also refreshing to know that my bank account won't show $6.17 by 12am. Shopping & sushay wit muh gurl followed by a cover of "ace of spades" will be a wonderful way to kick off a weekend

They sit on the tips of our tongues.
Sometimes they shoot through our eyes & rush from our hands.
We hear them in our simple words.
They can be seen in the way we speak of other things & heard in the languages we've yet to learn.
I know these things to be true.
Tell me I'm wrong & let me prove to you I'm right.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I've had one cup of coffee.
Read 2 "staff announcement" e-mails
Sneezed 3 times
Watched 4 planes fly by
Processed 5 claims
But I can't count the times it's crossed my mind.
And all before 10 am.

I still don't know how to say these things. I still don't know when to say them either. I keep screwing up the best chances. I just keep writing these endless paragraphs the next day to try to get it to all make sense and sound the way I want. I keep failing miserably. Is that the key? When I can write it the right way - then will be the time to say them? If that's so I may be here awhile. I may also develop carpal tunnel. Maybe I need to give up on the perfection I want and just let the jumble of words loose. Maybe I need to risk it not being received well, or not making any sense, or loosing all control of my senses.
Wait... already done that.

-Louise, I don't know what you are. I've turned myself inside out to try and avoid what happened today. You affect me in ways I can't quantify or contain. All I can measure is the affect, and the affect is that I'm out of control. - pg 53 - Written on the Body

On another note:
Do you even know what you're expecting?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A week in review

In no particular order:

-Getting busted for texting at work. I can't even have my phone on my desk.
-Moving desks!
-BFF Birthday!
-Saying things I shouldn't say. When I shouldn't say them.
-Being told I dance like an aerobics instructor.
-Having the drunk-o boyfriend try to make out with me in public.
-Calling in sick on Friday AM.
-Watching the other BFF fall on the floor while trying to do the Sexy dance on her boyfriend.
-Learning the lesson to never watch lightning while sewing.
-Spending my Saturday afternoon & evening cleaning and sewing and generally being domestic.
-Cooking bacon for the first time.
-Out of no where hyper fits.
-Hand & Belly Farting.
-General Heavy Heartedness - in the good way.
-Black Jersey Skirts.
-Not having my claims checked anymore.

Ok. That's enough. I think I killed enough time for one lunch hour. It's beautiful out. I'm going for a walk.

It's Ironic that the song stuck in my head... is stuck in my head...

Monday, May 26, 2008

3 is already a crowd.

I've tossed in the white flag.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Keep my name out of your mouth

Yesterday at 12:09 I got a "I need to talk to you" text and instantly my stomach dropped, my heart sped up, and i went cold all over.

This may not be the worst it could be, but it's going to be the hardest I've known.

Funny thing is; I'm not running away, I'm not hiding, I'm not letting it destroy everything I've become. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can face this. I want it. I will do it.

Make it worth it. Please.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Today I am a Debbie Downer.
There is nothing to be done about this. All things considered, it's safe to say I'm allowed to be.
The only thing to cure it = Snuggles in bed.

Sometimes people do things that blow my mind in the worst of ways.
Sometimes people do things that blow my mind in the best of ways.

I guess that's an ok balance?

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Rain is falling...

When you said It was overwhelming I knew exactly what you meant. More often than not, being overwhelmed is a troubling feeling for me. Although this is terribly troubling for me, it's quiet literally the best kind of overwhelmed I've felt. My mornings are spent with memories. My afternoons are spent with day dreams. My evenings are spent with plans. My nights are spent with you. If I'm lucky.
The snow has already melted when I discovered your eloquence with words. I experienced moments of jealousy, solely based on the fact that I wish I could tell you what is happening in my mind, let alone in my heart. Words use to slide right off my tongue like water. Now they just sit. Resting. Waiting. Anticipating the moment when the dam breaks and I can no longer practice the restraint I've held for so long. I want to flood your entire being with every single word I know. I want you to be washed away with the feelings. I want to fill you with these emotions that only I know.
I never want to find ourselves in the midst of a draught.
I never want our April showers to end.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I'm kinda coasting in this blissful Ignorance bit. Coasting may not be the right word but I've got the nail on the head with the blissful bit. So much time has been spent worrying & hoping & worrying & regrettably wasting on useless mixed emotions & generally unhealthy, incorrect interpretations.
I've also spent more then a fortnight trying to fight it. Attempting to convince myself it was not what I had hoped. Battled my sensibility, & ended up loosing all sense of control and reason.
For 2 years I've been proven right about all the things I've thought about intentions & sincerity, & I think -i hope- I'm ready to start trying to forget. I want to be able to believe again & I want to loose myself in all the things I've been without for way to long.
Way to long?
No, Probably not. As terrible as it may have been, the secret mush inside me knows that the time was needed to fully appreciate & deserve the things.

I made a post a few months ago about being fully consumed instantly & it may have come true.

I don't care if this blows up in my face. At least not completely... I'm still afraid at this very moment.